ICTG - Building trauma informed ministries
  • About
    • Who We Are >
      • Board of Advisors
      • Board of Directors
      • Program Directors
      • Trusted and Supported By
    • What We Do >
      • What's the Problem?
      • Mission, Vision, and Values
      • Projects and Programs
      • Press Room
      • FAQs
    • Who We Help >
      • Impact Stories
      • Testimonials
  • Donate
    • Donate Online
    • Donate Offline
    • Paid Services
    • Other Ways to Give >
      • Legacy Gifts
      • Donate Stock
      • Donor-Advised Funds
      • Shop and Give
  • Blog
    • Blog Letter Archive
  • Resources
    • Downloadable Guidelines
    • Organizational Care Plan >
      • Coaching
    • Learning Banks >
      • Seminars, Shorts & Podcasts >
        • Trauma Terms
        • Response – In Congregations
        • Response – In Community
      • Articles
      • Infographics & Charts
      • Tools for Worship & Ministry
      • Research >
        • Surveys >
          • Congregational Trauma Survey
          • Congregational Growth After Trauma Survey
          • Children & Youth Ministry after Trauma Survey
    • Resources by Trauma >
      • Abuse
      • Natural Disaster
      • Violence
    • Resources by Ministry Type >
      • Faith-based Nonprofit Ministries
      • Spiritual Formation
      • Youth Ministry
      • Campus Ministry
    • Denominational Resources >
      • Denominational Relief Organizations
      • Disaster Preparedness for Houses of Worship
      • Denominational Research
  • Training
    • Webinars >
      • Past Recordings
    • Purchase Training
    • Access Paid Training
    • Internships
  • Phases of Disaster Response
  • Contact

Divorce As Death

9/28/2016

0 Comments

A few days ago, I was asked to write a group study for youth using the song “Death Without a Funeral” by Jason Gray. I read the lyrics through the first time and was not immediately sure of the message. Then I watched a behind-the-music video and immediately felt the weight of a writer who had sought to articulate his grief following a divorce. Here is a portion of the words:

There's no stone to lay the flowers down beside
No mention in the paper, though something clearly died
No gathering for family and friends to eulogize
It's a death without a funeral

There's no book to sign for people filing in
No table full of pictures, where they'd say "Remember when"
No song is sung about how all good things come to an end
It's a death without a funeral

When you see me, I'm still breathing
Though a million things have died inside of me
But there's no healing without grieving
No wonder why it's hard to rest in peace

When there's nothing we can bury in the dirt
No place to lay the memory of all the things that were
No way to feel the closure, no ending to the hurt
It's a death without a funeral

Songwriters: Jason Jeffrey Gray / Andrew H. Gullahorn
Death Without A Funeral lyrics © Music Services, Inc

Hearing this song and reading the words transported me to a place of pain, a place without a ceremony to mark the formal end of celebrating a life well-lived. Instead this place is barren with little to no closure in sight. Sitting in this place caused me to treasure my own marriage even more and then dropped me at the center of what it might feel like to be a child or adolescent in the middle of this “death.”

We have often heard it said through counselors or various studies that a child’s worst fear is losing a parent through death, divorce or abandonment. This trauma is more common and yet more easily taken for granted. For some kids the trauma of divorce is blunted, at least in their understanding, by seeing so many cases that it becomes normalized.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with a high school girl about her future. I asked her to imagine what she might be doing in 10 years. She had hoped to be graduated from a university and holding down a steady job. She then, very matter-of-factly, said, “I will have been married and then divorced.” The words came so smoothly they caught me by surprise. She was the child of a divorced mom and dad. After working my way through the astonishment, I reminded her this is not true of every couple and there was hope for her.

The stories around us, the consequences of divorce in our immediate and extended families, all have wrought collateral damage among our children and youth. We may have seen divorced parents become good friends and handle the aftermath as well as could be expected. Still, any divorce, no matter how amicable, is traumatic for a child. The child’s trauma is often masked yet very real.

As a family of God we have the opportunity to walk alongside the children and youth of our church, feeling deeply the “death without a funeral.” Through our listening, loving, prayers, counsel, modeling and enfolding into relationship we can be agents of God’s unconditional love. We can represent one who will never leave or forsake us.

May we bring some measure of rest and peace to those so quietly crying out for the love they have lost.


* For more information on caring for children and youth after trauma, visit our youth ministry tools and training page.

Picture
Doug Ranck is Associate Pastor of Youth and Worship at Free Methodist Church of Santa Barbara, CA.  With three decades of youth ministry experience, he serves as ICTG Program Director for Youth Ministry, as well as a leading consultant, trainer and speaker with Ministry Architects, the Southern California Conference, and, nationally, with the Free Methodist Church. He has written numerous articles for youth ministry magazines and websites, and published the Creative Bible Lessons Series: Job (Zondervan, 2008). Doug is happily married to Nancy, proud father of Kelly, Landon and Elise, and never gets tired of looking at the Pacific ocean every day. 

0 Comments

    ICTG Blog

    Exploring the changing landscape of long-term congregational care.

    SUPPORT
    Do you find ICTG posts helpful?

    Please consider giving $1/month to encourage this generative service. 

    ​We strive to provide you with current research on best practices and field experts who share examples of what has worked well.  Thank you!

    Archives

    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013

    Categories

    All
    ACEs
    Aftermath Series
    AHyun Lee
    Anabaptist
    Anger
    Art
    Arthur Gross-Schaeffer
    Baptist
    Books
    Burnout
    California
    Calming
    Carolyn Browning Helsel
    Catholic
    Children And Youth
    Christian
    College Ministry
    Communication
    Compassion Fatigue
    Congregations
    Cynthia Eriksson
    Danjuma Gibson
    Darryl Stephens
    David A. Holyan
    Dawrell Rich
    Depression
    Divorce
    Doug Ranck
    Education
    Emotional Spiritual Psychological Care
    Episcopal
    Erin Jantz
    Event
    Faith Leaders
    Fire
    Flooding
    Forgiveness
    Free Methodist
    Gordon Hess
    Gregory Ellison
    Grief
    Harvey Howell
    Healing
    Ictg Advisors
    ICTG Board Of Directors
    ICTG Program Directors
    Iyabo Onipede
    Janet S. Peterman
    Jeff Putthoff
    Jesuit
    Jewish
    John Tucker
    Jonathan Leonard
    Joseph Kim Paxton
    Kate Wiebe
    Laura Bratton
    Libby Baker
    Lutheran
    Margaret Manning Shull
    Maureen Farrell Garcia
    Meet The Board
    Melissa M Bonnichsen
    Mental Health
    Military
    National Tool
    National VOAD
    Natural Disasters
    Non Denominational
    Phases Of Disaster
    Philip B Helsel
    Presbyterian
    Press Releases
    Preventative Pastoral Care
    Protestant
    PTSD
    Quaker
    Racism
    Red Cross
    Reformed
    Relaxation
    Rev. Jessica Bratt Carle
    Ritual
    Roy Yanke
    Ruth T West
    Self Care
    Sermons
    Sexual Abuse
    Shaun Lee
    Sophia Park
    Spiritual Direction
    SSJE
    Stories
    Suicide
    Surveys
    Suzanne Cooley
    Teresa Blythe
    Theologians
    Tools
    Training
    Trauma Informed Care
    Trauma Response
    Uncovering
    United Church Of Christ
    United Methodist
    US - Mexico Border
    Vicarious Trauma
    Violence
    Worship
    Youth Ministry

    Tweets by @ictgorg

    RSS Feed

Picture
ICTG is a 501c3 nonprofit. 
P. O. Box 3498
Santa Barbara, CA 93130
office@ictg.org

ICTG is a proud member of:
Read our reviews:
Picture
Picture
✕