Good soul care for ministers includes both appropriate self-awareness – watching over our hearts, and good rhythms – and watching over the patterns of our lives that reflect our true values. Healthy hearts and healthy souls mean healthy lives and ministry.

I have deliberately chosen the word “rhythms” rather than "disciplines" because of the organic nature that the word represents. In music, rhythm is “an ordered alternation of contrasting elements.” Good rhythms in ministry allow us to account for the realities we all face, and keep us from a rigid approach to our discipleship that can far too often create shame rather than joy and freedom.  Rhythms reflect the ebb and flow of life under grace.

In order to address the issues of isolation and loneliness in ministry, we must consider the rhythm between solitude and community.
 

SOLITUDE AND COMMUNITY

I can be alone in a group. I jokingly refer to my “people quotient”. I am energized by being alone. But there is a danger in isolation. My own story is a clear example of the dangers of being isolated from others. Without authentic relationships, my secret sin was allowed to fester until it became unmanageable and led to my exit from ministry.

Many of us in ministry are dangerously isolated – perhaps not because of a lack of proximity to others, but because we lack those significant, authentic relationships. This is the loneliness and isolation of many ministers and spouses.

We need the rhythm of both solitude and community to combat isolation and loneliness.
 

Solitude

Solitude is different from isolation. It is an intentional “coming apart” as Jesus advised, in order to hear God. Jesus planned times of intentional aloneness with the Father. (Mt 14:23, Mk 1:35)

Solitude is that time and place where we find, as John Ortberg has said, “that your existence is larger than your job at church.”

Being alone with God, in solitude, is a Place and Time to remember who I am and to confront the real issues of my heart. One of the clearest examples of this in my own life occurred when I was on a personal retreat at a local Jesuit retreat center. Walking through the “stations of the cross” in the outside gardens, I came to the one where Jesus asked the Father, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” In that moment of solitude, God was able to speak into my own feelings of abandonment, carried with me from when I was a child – feelings that affected a good deal of how I treated others. In the cry of Jesus, I knew that he understood my pain. Without the time alone, I never would have experienced God’s healing touch in my heart.

Solitude can be a time when we fast from things, people, and all the outer props of our lives; including technology. (R. Foster)

But we must be careful here. We do not live only in those internal moments. There is a reason Jesus created the Church, the physical expression of His Body here on earth. As ministers, we live much of our lives between our ears. The contrasting element to solitude is community – the other element necessary for overcoming isolation and loneliness. Being alone needs to prepare us to be with others.
 

Community

Ministers and their families need genuine community. We may preach it to our congregations. But we can avoid it for ourselves. Ministry happens in community and we need it for our souls to be healthy.

Jesus desired that Peter, James and John share with him in his times of glory (on the mountain) and in his deep sorrow (in the Garden)

Paul longed for the company of his companions while in prison.

Community is a word that is very popular right now. With it has come a greater willingness of some ministers to be more open about their own challenges from the pulpit. While I am grateful for that, the deeper issue is: Are there those who really know us? Do we avoid real and authentic relationships for ourselves out of fear or pride?

Are there people we can be unfettered with; who can advocate God’s presence and grace to us?

Ministers need others to remind them who they really are – because we can forget that we are human beings first, disciples second and ministers third. All of us need people who can speak God’s truth and grace into our lives and take us back to the Gospel for US!

I am used to being a lone ranger. But understanding that I need others in my life caused me to create an advisory team when I returned to ministry life. This small group of men know me, and I can be transparent with them. One of the greatest joy’s in my life is that, where once I had none, now I have friends.

Where is that place, and who are the people with whom you can be fully known without secrets? Can sit with them and confess, “Here is what I am most ashamed of”, and experience grace, forgiveness and healing! I believe that James 5:16 is the most avoided passage of Scripture I know. Yet the work of confession – of bringing our faults and sins into the light – is vital for the health of our souls. Personal confession is good. But real healing takes place in that community activity of speaking and hearing in the presence of others. Being authentic at this level will allow us to be authentic in other relationships both inside and outside of our congregations.

It is important that we nurture this kind of community with our spouses. They are a “help” fit for you (Gen. 2:18). They are on this journey with you. Then you must find those folks – within and outside your congregation that can be your friends. Starting today, I challenge you to reach out and find one other person to begin with.
 
In the rhythm of solitude and community, we can find a lasting answer to the problems of isolation and loneliness in ministry.

 For more information on pastoral renewal and restoration, please visit our website at www.pirministries.org, or contact us at info@pirministries.org.
 
PIR Ministries
PO Box 64934
Virginia Beach VA 23467

We see it time and again.
 
Whether you have been blindsided by a leadership decision or experienced a slow “death spiral” in a ministry role, the spiritual and emotional toll of a forced exit is great. Trauma is not too drastic of a word to use to describe what ministers and their families encounter when they are fired, forced to resign or find themselves at the mercy of a leadership coup.
 
By definition, trauma is a deeply distressing experience or event that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. It is often accompanied by a constant reliving of the event, anger, anxiety, loss of self-esteem and fatigue. These are the very symptoms we observe when we sit down to talk with those who have been exited.

• Trust is deeply wounded – “Why would people do this?” “Where was God?”
• Doubt colors the sense of calling, giftedness and worth. Pastors begin to see themselves as "damaged goods."
• Anger and fear begin to dominate relationships; and show up in unexpected ways.

 
And the ministers spouse and children? Many consider walking back through the doors of a church unthinkable.
 
In many ways, a forced exit from a ministry role may not seem much different from any other job loss. But the differences are real and can be dramatic. There is a deep spiritual and emotional connection that exists between ministers and their calling. There is also a deep connection that can, and should, grow between ministers and the fellowship of people they serve. This is, perhaps, one of the most significant differences. When a minister is forced out of their role it goes beyond merely losing a job. The typical support relationships that would help someone through any job transition are suddenly and traumatically ended for ministers and their families. Where can ministry leaders go and who can they talk with to process the loss and grief when an exit occurs?
 
It is vital that we acknowledge the reality of spiritual and emotional trauma in cases of forced ministry exit. Otherwise, we can be tempted to minimize or even deny the long-term effects this kind of experience creates. In the introduction to her book Moving On - Surviving the Grief of Forced Termination, Deanna Harrison recounts her own experience with this kind of trauma.
 
"For reasons beyond our comprehension, our 30+ years of pastoral ministry came to an abrupt halt. I was still married to the same godly man of integrity but he was no longer a pastor. I was no longer a pastor’s wife. Within days of learning anything was wrong, it was all over. We had been terminated. Our lives shattered as we plunged into a grief so deep I wondered if we would survive."
 
For the ministry family, a particularly traumatic exit can create an emotional and spiritual "toxicity" that is carried into the next role if left unattended. Churches begin to see themselves as "employers,” making arm’s length business decisions without understanding how such exits not only change the life of a ministry family, but also the very fabric of the church culture. Every time a minister or ministry leader leaves or is let go, there is a measure of grief and loss for all involved. Forced exits come packed with a level of trauma that can feel like a tsunami.
 
Studies have shown that most ministers who experience a forced exit take a minimum of 18 months to return to an active role - and 40% never return. In every case, the first step in healing hearts wounded by an exit is accepting the reality of the spiritual and emotional trauma. The next step is to connect with those who have the tools and processes to help ministry families navigate through the dark waters after an exit. These people and ministries exist, and are equipped to offer hope when all seems lost.
 
If you, or someone you know, is in the midst of a season of grief following a forced termination, it is important to take these two steps as soon as possible. The trauma is real. But so is Hope. You can begin by contacting us at info@pirministries.org.

Congregational care, which often begins as a blessing, can slowly become a burden due to stress, poor self-care, and excessive interpersonal and vocational demands.  How, then, can we re-ignite our passion for congregational care after burnout and compassion fatigue?


Here are four areas where you can begin to practice intentional change and convert congregational care back from a burden into a blessing:


1. Take a break

• Breaks are often overlooked because it may impede the perception of progress, achievement, and performance.  However, breaks are an essential aspect of self-care. 

2. Change things up:

• Leadership
  • Include new and different faces in the same activities.  New people and groups can be like a breath of fresh air that revitalize repetitious activities.  In addition, new people can lead to new ideas and perspectives.  This can organically vitalize your practices of care.
• Location
  • A change of scenery can reinvigorate practices of care.  For example, if you regularly meet at your office, go out for a cup of coffee or ice cream.
  • Be adventurous.  The mind can grow numb with repetition.  Thinking outside the box is a way to provide the same services – congregational care – in new environments and creative ways.
• Structure, format, and program
  • Change the structure, format, or program offered.  The practice of care, when it is done repeatedly, can become instinctual.  We often times act without thinking about what we are doing.  Changing the structure, program, or format can help to reinvigorate the work of care.

3. Read a book

• This is related to the first point: taking a break.  Taking a break allows you to take a step back and gain a fresh perspective.  Part of this task may require reading material from others in your field.  By doing this, you can feel more connected with others who are going through the same struggles and you can get new ideas for your practice.

4. Use your imagination and be intentional

• Positivity and negativity are  two categories in the mind.  Think of them like dogs – the one you feed the most will be the most dominant.  If you feed the dog of negativity then negativity may become a dominant experience.  Monitoring feeding schedules can become a difficult task – so it requires self-monitoring, self-awareness, and persevering practice.  When you catch yourself, do not shame or guilt yourself but instead choose to stop what you are doing and do something different.
• Pretend you’re an actress or actor.  This may seem silly, but when you are feeling down, consider how the ideal positive person would act.  What would they think?  What would they do?  How would they respond?  Then, pretend you are that person.  This is not a “fake-it-till-you-make-it” it is a “do-it-till-you-feel-it”. 
• If you work at a desk then try out this activity.  Every time you have a negative thought, write it down and throw it in the wastebasket.  Then, write down an opposite thought, one that is positive and affirming.  Post this to your desk or workspace.  Take a break to think about this instead of the negative thought you just got rid of.

A member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Joseph Kim Paxton is an ICTG Advisor while pursuing doctoral degrees in Practical Theology at the Claremont School of Theology and Clinical Psychology at Pepperdine University. His current research areas include clinical-community psychology, pastoral care, social scientific approaches to biblical interpretation, group processes, spiritual struggle, coping, and attitudes.

Read all of Joe's blogs here.

Congregational care and ministry can be exhausting.  In addition to the demands of care and ministry, faith leaders must also keep up with personal
responsibilities. Caring for so many people at the same time requires a lot of emotional energy and attention.  Quickly, individuals can become tired, stressed out, and exhausted.  In a tired state, individuals may begin to cut corners, especially related to self-care.  These shortcuts can become unhealthy habits that facilitate fatigue and emotional exhaustion that can compromise one’s ability to care.

Aristotle once said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”  What Aristotle did not say is, “We are what we do once or twice. . .”  Wishful thinking may lead some to hope that habits can be created overnight, or that doing something once or twice will be sufficient to achieve a goal or outcome, like rejuvenation and renewal.  Unfortunately, self-care cannot be packaged into a pill to be taken once or twice bi-weekly.  Instead, self-care is a habit that must be done repeatedly. 

Self-care is like exercise.  The more you do it the better you feel, and the more likely you are to keep doing it.  However, it is easy to get out of shape.  Taking one day off can turn into two; two to three; and then an entire week has lapsed.  Self-care, like exercise, can also become a burden – something else to do on the checklist.  Whether you’re struggling to get back into the swing of self-care habits or looking to begin self-care habits, here are a few points that can help get you started.

1. Discover what self-care activities help you to feel rejuvenated.
    Create rules for your self-care activities that can help you be more intentional and focused  
    on the quality of your self-care.  For example, watching TV may seem like a self-care 
    activity, but you may be unintentionally wasting this time by flipping through channels for 
    thirty minutes, never finding a show you really want to watch, and getting frustrated in the 
    process.  A simple fix for this might be to only watch recorded TV shows during this time, 
    rather than spending your valuable self-care time channel surfing.

2. Mark it down in your calendar.
    Intentionally plan for a self-care habit.

3. Say “no” to one thing this week.
    The flip side to saying “no” to requests or activities may also require you to begin to ask for
    help.  Asking for help builds relationships and strengthens relational bonds – most people
    want to help!

4. Determine if you are an introvert or an extrovert.
    If you are an introvert, schedule alone time for personal enrichment.  If you are an 
    extrovert, be intentional in surrounding yourself with people who will energize you.

5. Set realistic goals that can quickly become habits.
    Do not set a goal too high too soon.  This can quickly lead to discouragement and leave 
    you feeling more exhausted and depleted.  Start small and remember that habits happen   
    one small step at a time.
 

* Learn more about self-care and congregational care practices on the ICTG Training page. Here, you will find dozens of resources, including the ICTG Congregational Assessment Guide, seminars on becoming trauma-informed, modules, forums, and more!

If you’ve ventured at all on to Facebook or Twitter in the past 10 months, then you probably have encountered at least one post, video, or tweet that has made you think, “Is it just me, or does 2016 seem like the worst year?” This sentiment has become so widespread that even news outlets have written about the topic. Take this Slate article from July 22, 2016 for example. It begins like this:

Whether or not 2016 is actually the ‘worst year ever’, it is clear that people are finding themselves bombarded with bad news and traumatizing events. I believe the last question in the above quote hits the nail on the head as to the source of this never ending onslaught of troubles. We are on social media all the time and  everyone is re-posting the news stories over and over, videos auto-play, graphic images are shown, comments sections are vitriolic and angry. What is all of this negative input doing to us? The answer is vicarious trauma, as explained by Maxine Harley in an article for Psych Central:

So how do we reduce our potential for continued vicarious trauma? With the rise of engagement in social media, it has become more and more clear that the need to set boundaries around our usage of these platforms is a necessary step for maintaining our well-being. Here a some ideas for practical strategies for cultivating a healthy, but informed, environment on your social media platforms:

Set boundaries around the amount and the type of media you consume

• Set time limits for certain websites.
• Set limits on which sites you visit.
• Choose not to read comments sections.
• Leave or turn off social media at the first signs of being overwhelmed.

Set boundaries around who or what shows up in your various feeds

• Turn off auto-play on videos on Facebook.
• Choose to curate your news feed by unfollowing people who only post things that add to the negativity.
• Follow users who post things that engage your passions and joys.

Set boundaries around how you engage in conversations online

• Avoid engaging in or with communities characterized by anger. It is so easy to become defensive and to engage in angry comment threads online, but this often only instigates further arguments.

Set boundaries around what and how you share information with others

• If you are going to share information about traumatic or negative events, consider the ‘audience’ of your social media platform and try to share things in a way which will not traumatize them.
• Don’t repost only videos, in case others have not turned off auto-play. Instead think about linking to a news article, so that people have a choice about what they expose themselves to.

Develop self-care practices for when vicarious trauma does happen

• Begin to see if you can determine what type of reaction you are having to the negative media. Some potential common reactions would be anxiety, sorrow, frustration, anger, helplessness, apathy, compassion fatigue, and trauma. Once you have narrowed down how things are affecting you, you can begin to seek out ways to care for yourself in the wake of them.
  
• Below are some self-care strategies colleagues have shared with me which they employ in their own lives. These strategies can be use as jumping off points to brainstorm what will be helpful and nourishing for you:
  
  • Reciting lament psalms
    
  • Go for walks
    
  • Read fiction/poetry
    
  • Seek out friendships to talk, vent, cry, etc.
    
  • Exercise
    
  • Create things that are beautiful, ‘even if it’s just a hand towel’
    
  • Listen to music
    
  • Look to create beauty through artistic pursuits
    
  • Shut off social media during certain times of the day/week/month as a Sabbath.
    

It is my hope that these suggestions for developing your own boundaries and self-care rituals surrounding social media use will be useful to you, and that you may be able to take steps to increase the health of your online life and reduce your exposure to vicarious trauma.


* Learn more about congregational care practices on the ICTG Training page. Here, you will find dozens of resources, including the ICTG Congregational Assessment Guide, seminars on becoming trauma-informed, modules, forums, and more!