I am blessed to live in a small coastal town just outside Santa Barbara. Weekly I pick up the little newspaper and scan to keep up with the latest news in the community. With all the recent events of fires, potential debris flows, and evacuations there has been no lack of information to be shared.

Somewhere in the middle of the paper, I encountered the headline “Childhood Adversity: A Heart Attack in the Making.” As a man now in my late 50’s, I am now a little more attuned to illnesses I naively thought only associated with older people. The words “heart attack” carry a little more weight and impact than in years past.

Couple this with a life-long career of working with children and youth and quickly this article became a compelling piece. The environment of one’s childhood and adolescence brings quality or challenge to one’s health for years to come.

In this article Maria Chesley, who is the director of the Carpinteria Children’s project in California points to the experience of her dad suffering a heart attack at the age of 39. As she connected stories of the family system suddenly this event was not such a surprise.

Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that "the repeated stress of abuse, neglect, and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain.” (source).  Her study showed that most people have at least one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) and twelve percent of the population now has an ACE score of four. With this score one’s risk of heart disease and cancer is doubled, the likelihood of becoming an alcoholic is increased by 700 percent and the risk of attempted suicide by 1200 percent!

Ms. Chesley adds, “Children who experience significant adversity but have a loving adult who serves as a buffer are less likely to develop an exaggerated stress response and have their future health impacted.”

Those who are younger can easily feel indestructible. There is so much of life ahead; their bones are healthy, they are physically flexible and more. Whatever beating their bodies or spirit take seems to have no relevance to the future, until they get there.

Childhood adversity does indeed have an impact on the health and well-being of an adult. Where families are broken, leaders in the church, schools, and community can fill in many of the gaps. It is no small task, but it must be a priority. Given the cultural landscape of heightened fear, wars and loss the percentage of ACE scores, it seems, will only increase.

We can be the loving adult who may not only offer a child needed safety but also help our health, through giving, in the process.

Doug Ranck is Associate Pastor of Youth, Children and Families at Free Methodist Church of Santa Barbara, CA.  With three decades of youth ministry experience, he serves as ICTG Program Director for Youth Ministry, as well as a leading consultant, trainer and speaker with Ministry Architects, the Southern California Conference, and, nationally, with the Free Methodist Church. He has written numerous articles for youth ministry magazines and websites, and published the Creative Bible Lessons Series: Job (Zondervan, 2008). Doug is happily married to Nancy, proud father of Kelly, Landon and Elise, and never gets tired of looking at the Pacific ocean every day. 

View all of Doug's blogs here>

In the Santa Barbara, California area we are currently on the western edge of one of the largest wildfires in our state’s history. Active flames have been threatening our homes from the foothills and mountains; air quality is unhealthy, schools are closed, many events canceling and evacuations are widespread.

This scenario offers those who care for kids/families the greatest of opportunities to walk alongside them. The response of bringing calm, community and connection is a priority. As a church, we have “kept the doors” open so people could be in the sanctuary (safe place) with God and His people. This past Sunday we spent time with our children and youth letting them know we were all safe together, we are loved and reminding them to reach out when they feel anxious. Where possible we are continuing with some of the typical events to give them some stability.

The church provides a unique environment for both calming and community, but it also allows for connection. We can partner with other community groups and churches to care for God’s people. This past Monday our youth spent time serving at a local agency where struggling families are served. This opportunity gave our youth a place to walk with others and look outside their own anxiety.

A final thought: It is good to ask people how they are doing. When they say, “I’m fine, “ be sure to probe further. In the face of a large-scale incident like this nobody is totally fine. All ages need and deserve the care we can give, even as we are the ones needing comfort too.

A lot of people have asked me about how to talk to children after heartbreaking incidents like the tragic events that occurred in Las Vegas on Sunday night or in Newtown, CT, on December 14, 2012. There are many good articles out there . . . and also poor ones. Here’s one that I agree with. You can also find helpful resources at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network website, www.nctsn.org. For me, talking to children about murder, mass violence, and other challenging topics, comes down to a few basic elements.
 
Should you talk about it at all? That is an important question in which the answer is more of an art than a science. Every child is different, the circumstances are different, and you as a parent, teacher, or guardian have careful discernment to do in determining the most helpful answer for the child(ren) with you. Things to consider in whether to talk about recent events or not:

• Will they encounter the information somewhere else? If it is likely your child(ren) may hear about what has happened in other settings, it will be meaningful for him or her to hear the news from you. Ideally, your home is a sanctuary for your child. A place where she or he can go out from and return to, having encountered any manner of things in the world and know that, at least at home, they are safe, loved, enjoyed, and can find respite.
• Are other adults around you trying to shield their child(ren) from what has happened? If you do share information with your child(ren), be mindful that other adults may feel differently. Consider whether your child is old enough to share information in respectful ways when they leave your home.
• Are they already curious about what has happened, or will you be introducing very new information? If you are introducing new information, you will want to be thoughtful about how you present it. Further, be thoughtful about whether you are introducing information accidentally or carelessly by having news on the radio, television, or computer. Be thoughtful about the images the children around you are witnesses, striving to find a balance between not hiding information from them while also not bombarding them with images.

 
Be a reliable, trustworthy adult for a child. Children need reliable, trustworthy adults in their life in order to grow well. These adults are not just parents, but other adults (family, friends, neighbors, community members) who are consistently a part of their lives, care about what they think and feel, and provide them with good.
 
Tell the truth. If you discern it is important to discuss a tragedy, stick to basic facts of the case. Do not embellish, and do not use euphemisms or metaphors. Be specific and simple. Here are words I used with my children (ages 4, 7, 9):  “Something very sad happened today. A man who seems to have been very sick inside, came into a school. He had a gun and he shot people.” [Note: if a child among you is younger than three years old, this conversation is not necessary. They are not developmentally old enough to fully grasp what has happened, especially if they do not have a close contact with a victim or survivor. Though they may understand that adults around them are sad. If that’s the case, focus mainly on that part. If the child is two or three years old and knows a person intimately who died suddenly, you may discuss the fact that the person is no longer alive and discuss the concept of death. In this case, I often use pastoral counselor Wayne Oates’ practice of describing death with children as the experience where everything on the outside and on the inside stops moving.]
 
Let the child(ren) guide the conversation. A child’s age and development will influence how they respond to your sharing with them. Preschoolers tend to be very concrete, with bluntness that can be jolting for adults. For example, my four-year-old son asked, incredulously, “Did he shoot kids?!”  Remember that this conversation is not about you, and that it is helpful if adults are mindful of finding safe forums with other adults for their own struggles with grief and sorrow so they can be mostly present to what a child in their care is thinking and feeling. Elementary school kids tend to express more empathy and make more connections. My daughter commented, “How sad . . .” And my oldest son asked, “Was it like when [another person who struggled with mental health] shot [some other people]?”  Here are my responses to each, respectively: “Yes. He shot kids. Yes. It is very sad. You will see today and these next few days that many adults right now are very sad about this. And, we don’t know yet if it was similar to that other situation. We don’t have enough information yet.”  If they ask a question that you do not know the answer to, remember to be truthful. Say something along the lines of, “That’s a good question. I don’t know.”  You may suggest how the answer might be found, “Perhaps we could ask [a respected person we know] about that.” Or, as a faithful adult, you may suggest that you pray together to ask God for answers. Invite the children you are talking with to share with you how they are feeling. Some will want to, while others will not. If the child(ren) you are with do not want to talk, allow the conversation to end by letting them know that they can talk with you any time. Eventually, move on to other activities together – playing, making meals, home chores, etc – as a way of demonstrating the fullness of life continues, even as you are feeling very sad.
 
Encourage safety. Be mindful of how often news media is around your child(ren), through radio, television, phones, or computers. Try to take media breaks in the immediate aftermath of disasters, and when you are viewing or listening to news be careful to check whether the children around you are occupied in other healthful ways. Be thoughtful about how often your attention is divided. If you do discern a conversation with your child(ren) would be helpful, following their comments and questions, be sure to end by speaking to their safety. For example, you may describe how rare this act of violence was. Whether it is rare for your community or not, you may speak to helpers who are around, including other trustworthy adults such as police officers, firefighters, nurses and doctors, counselors, teachers, church members, pastors, or government leaders. You may speak to how people are working to make sure this does not happen again or begins to stop happening so much. You may remind them how you are together right now, and how safe you are together right now, how safe your home is.  You might encourage them to locate the things that make them feel better. For example, for young children, it may be their security toys or blanket, and for older children, their favorite music or activities. Sometimes children will just want to be together, quietly. Consider finding a cozy spot together, perhaps playing some gentle music and lighting a candle to create a sense of present peace together for some time. Other times, children will have a lot of energy they do not know how to manage or talk about. One activity that can be helpful is to invite them to “push how they feel”. For younger children, you can brace yourself, with your feet at a wall and arms outstretched in front of you, and have the child interlock fingers with you and push how hard they feel. You might comment by saying something like, “Wow! I can feel you are feeling a lot right now.” Sometimes, at this point of recognition, they may cry and you can remind them again they are safe with you. For older children, you can have them try and push on something immobile like a large tree or a wall. As they do, again, you can comment on how you can see they are feeling a lot. Again, this moment of recognition might help them release some tension through tears, and, again, you can remind them they are safe with you.
 
When it comes to healing after trauma, spending time together and sharing your stories of both hurt and healing together can be very helpful for children who have survived tragedy. Stories can be shared by talking, and also by doing things together. You may pray together, listen to music, draw or paint together, play, or exercise together. You may sing or play instruments together, or incorporate special foods into your mealtimes to help recall happy memories and to express sorrow. Remember that not everyone heals in the same way. Healing, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Listen to your child for what seems most helpful to her or him. Also, be aware that your children may reenact violence in their play or art. This is a common way that children make sense of what has occurred. Invite them to share their creations with you. In addition, some ways that children discover hope is by pretending or artistically creating a solution. This is a way children begin to learn about repairing and restoring what has been lost or broken. Rather than dismissing their inventions, try to embrace them. You might consider saying something like, “How wonderful it would be to have a trampoline/cape/helicopter/raft like that, and be able to get out/away/free.” At times, their feelings may seem out of sync with your own. Be mindful of finding meaningful places for your own healing, beyond healing with children. Finally, consider having children participate in creating responses to tragedy both by incorporating their spontaneous gestures and interest into ordinary experiences, as they come up, and also through intentional community memorializing.
 
Whatever you do, do not try to pretend away or ignore the truth of what has happened with children. Pretending the truth has not happened, especially when children are in close proximity to a tragic event, causes children to doubt significantly their ability to trust their feelings. This produces deleterious effects on family and social systems and on children’s long-term sense of well-being. Kids experience adverse and extreme results when they grow up sensing truth among adults who refuse to speak of or acknowledge what has occurred. Emotional residue permeates, no matter how hard someone tries to reduce or ignore it. We do our children no favors by avoiding difficult or challenging topics. In effect, we do something worse. We avoid the vital relationship that occurs during pain, a relationship that children and the adults around them need greatly. The art of caring for children after tragedy, though, is that we also do our children no favors by overwhelming them with traumatic stimulation and keeping them from natural rhythms of repair they feel inclined toward, including taking breaks from media and conversation, play, and rest. The building or relational construction that comes about during the sharing of emotive content – including sorrowful experiences, joyful experiences, and boring experiences – creates the substance of what holds caring relationships together. That is, trust, reliability, emotional safety, and forgiveness. What occurs when two or three are gathered amid ordinary and extraordinary times becomes foundations for the next times that we encounter adversity or joy. Being in caring relationships with children during momentous life events is not about having answers. It is about practicing whole-self living within the frameworks of faith, hope, and love.
 
Practicing presence is hard. This discipline is hard when things are not stressful, let alone amid the chaos of tragedy. Yet, incredible strength and well-being can grow from the remnants after sorrow and destruction. As adults show up and companion with one another, as they stand ready to include children in the important experiences of grief, mourning, and lament that come up in various seasons of life, we go about the work together of rebuilding and sewing seeds for new life.

ICTG provides restorative strategies to leaders for personal and group growth after loss. You can find training materials here. You can learn more about the coaching and custom care plans we provide here. 

To make a contribution to help subsidize training and coaching for lower-income leaders, give a donation today here. ​

Years ago and miles away, I once served a large church that held an annual Vacation Bible School (VBS). Because it was free for the community, the draw for this particular VBS was huge: there were hundreds of registered children, most from outside the regular worshiping population. It was an opportunity to create new relationships and minister to kids who wouldn’t normally hear about the love of God.
 
One particular year, the church staff was alerted to an unusual conversation a volunteer had with a young child during the Bible rotation. The lesson on the creation story had just ended, and the volunteers were having small group discussions with their kids. When asked, “How do you think God felt when Adam and Eve disobeyed,” one child responded, “Mad, like how my mom gets mad when she…” And the child trailed off. The volunteer raised an issue with the church’s minister, and the minister took action from there to investigate the situation.
 
Among many things this church did well, one of their particular strengths was their child protection policy. A clearly articulated set of policies on the safety of children at the church, the child protection policy had been authorized by their church’s board, utilized consistently across all program areas, and – crucially – it had been communicated to every volunteer, at every training meeting, every time.
 
That’s why this particular volunteer knew that the young child’s statement amounted to a red flag: she had been trained. That’s why the minister in charge escalated the situation to protect the safety of the child in question: he had been trained. And that’s why the child’s name doesn’t appear in this post, why some of the details of this story have been changed, and why I am writing about it now: I, too, have been trained.
 
The necessity of training like this is at the core of the new resource from GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment): The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide for Churches and Ministries. This book provides an in-depth, practical guide to creating a Child Protection Policy, covering both the legal and theological ramifications as well as providing specific tools that assist in the Policy’s creation.
 
As children’s ministers, we believe our calling is of great importance. We know that children are sacred, that there is a spark of the divine within them from which we are all commanded to learn. No children’s minister ever thinks child abuse will be an issue their ministry has to address. And yet, how many of our churches operate without a codified Child Protection Policy in place? We are so busy crafting programs, writing curricula, and recruiting volunteers that we assume our ministries are safe, that our children are protected.
 
The reality is that we cannot protect every child every minute of every day. The kids who walk through our doors have their own lives, their own situations. If we are to be congregations where children are welcomed and loved for who they are, then the very least we can do is ensure that our congregations are safe and secure places for those kids.
 
That what makes The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide such an important resource. It acknowledges the realities of day-to-day ministry while still lifting up the importance of creating and implementing a child protection policy. It moves from defining what abuse is and what effective protective practices are to the realities of reporting abuse and walking with survivors through the trauma.
 
What makes this resource stand out are the “policy worksheets” provided at the end of every chapter. We’re children’s ministers, not lawyers, and while we might acknowledge the importance of a child protection policy, the particularities of crafting such a policy can seem daunting. The “policy worksheets” in The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide help define exactly what your congregation needs from a policy. It points to state resources and definitions, it asks pointed questions about your theological and ethical commitments, and by the end, you have language that could be part of an effective policy.
 
A child protection policy is not about restricting what we as ministers can do in our programs. Instead, a policy frees us to recruit and train volunteers, engage with families, and create relationships with children in the context of a safe and secure environment. Our ministry is made better when we have a child protection policy in place.
 
When our kids are protected, we are fulfilling our calls as children’s ministers. These kids belong to God, and it is our duty to take care of them as a part of the creation that God calls “good.” Resources like The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide help us to fulfill that call, to give every child a place where they can go and feel safe, secure, and loved.

This is a tough one. It’s tough because of the subject matter, and it’s tough because of the fear and anxiety we have around even broaching the subject.

But we have to talk about it. According to research by the CDC, around 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be a victim of physical or sexual abuse by the time they are 18 years old.[1] Even in very small youth ministries, we need to acknowledge the truth that it is not a question of how we would work with victims of abuse, but how we are running our ministries in a way that is considerate of the fact that we almost inevitably already do, whether we know it or not.

Many of us feel anxious about working with child abuse victims not out of selfishness, or lack of compassion, but from a place of feeling deeply inadequate. We worry that we don’t have the expertise or the training or the words to provide the deep healing needed for child survivors of abuse. And we’re right. We don’t. Children who have been through the trauma of abuse, particularly at the hands of a trusted adult, have psychological, social, and emotional needs that no youth worker can be expected to meet.

We know we cannot save teenagers from the pain and hurt of abuse. If we’re honest with ourselves, we know we cannot save teenagers from anything.

So what do we do? How do we live into the ministries that we were called to knowing that there are wounds we can’t bandage, and gaps we can’t fill?

I wrestled with this question over the course of a year spent working with International Justice Mission in Thailand, doing aftercare for child victims of sexual assault. Even now as a youth worker back in the US, this question still rattles around in my head. I remember traveling out to child victims’ houses when I was living in Thailand and feeling so anxious. What do I say? How do I talk to these kids? How do I make sure not to make it worse? And shelter after shelter, village after village, dozens of kids as young as four and as old as fifteen all taught me the same basic truth, and the most important insight I can give to youth workers about kids who are victims of abuse: they are still kids.

People are not defined by the worst thing that ever happened to them, and one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is helping them see that. Whether you are aware of specific victimization, or if you just assume that it must be present somewhere because of the size of your group, the response is the same – recognizing and celebrating the divine spark, the imago Dei, that still shines in your youth, even when they are blind to it.

If you’re unsure of where to start, or feel overwhelmed, try starting with a few practical steps:

1) Don’t treat abuse victims like they’re damaged. They already feel different and vulnerable; treating them like they’re damaged won’t help.

2) Be a non-anxious presence. If a child does chose to invite you into that part of their story, stay calm, and stay present.

3) Listen for the silence. Be aware of changes in behavior, of potential triggers, and that a child is unlikely to verbalize to you why something is affecting them.

4) Don’t fix it. If you notice those changes or those triggers, check in with the youth, but don’t try to rescue them in the moment.

5) Remember that you don’t own this story. If you have been privileged enough to be let into this story, honor the risk a youth has taken on you and let them retain ownership of what this story means to them and how often it comes up.  
It can be tempting with abuse victims to think of them as only abuse victims, and being sensitive to the specific triggers and traumas of your youth is crucial. But the more you see their victimization as their identity, the more they may see it as their identity. Being honest and brave in the face of abuse is crucially important in the healing process, but you can’t stay there. To move through healing, youth have got to realize that this is a part of their story, but not the only part, and not the most important part.

Youth workers can be a crucial part of the healing process. We are not social workers or therapists who are there to specifically address this one issue. We are game-leaders and song-singers, we come to youth not with formal evaluations and professional detachment, but roller skates, and Sonic, and an unbridled enthusiasm for holistically knowing these youth exactly as they are and loving them for all of it.

So no, you may not know the neurobiology of trauma that has shifted the brain chemistry of your youth – but you know that they are nervous about their game next weekend. You know that they were so excited when they made first chair. You know that they hate dodgeball, but have a mean backhand in Ping-Pong and can eat seven pieces of pizza in one sitting. You know that they have questions about why God would allow bad things to happen, but when they spend time in nature, looking at tall trees and small butterflies, that they know God is real and good.

And all of those things are just as true and just as real and just as important to who they are as any hurt caused them by the actions of a broken person in a broken world. Our job as youth workers is not to try to fix the pain inflicted on to the youth in our care, it is to acknowledge Jesus’s presence in and among it, hurting in their grief and celebrating in their joy, knowing that who they are in God’s eyes, their divine spark, is no less bright because it has seen darkness, and believing these words in the Gospel of John for our youth, and helping them believe it for themselves:

The divine spark in youth is inextinguishable, so may we be magnifying glasses for the light that, despite all the darkness, still shines within them.

---------
Footnote:
[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2005). Adverse Childhood Experiences Study: Data and Statistics. Atlanta, GA: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.
 

Disclaimer:
My opinions expressed are those of someone who is not a professional mental health provider. My opinions are my own and I do not speak for the FUMC Fort Worth Youth Ministries, FUMC Fort Worth, the United Methodist Church, Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary, or the Center for Youth Ministry Training.

* A version of this post was first shared on the Youth Specialties website.