Spirituality embodies connectedness to something bigger and connectedness to each other.  Why then is the focus of so many spiritual care practices on individuals? Why is collective care addressed at the individual level?

For families, individual care can create a chasm between expert advice and practical application to family life.  In the midst of loss, true collective care  can be key to helping families grow and heal together.

What are spiritual care practices that can help families cope with the tragedy and trauma of death and loss together? What sorts of connected care practices are available?

First, it may be helpful to create goals for care.  Here are 5 helpful goals that can guide the provision of family care in the midst of death and loss:

1. Help the family make meaning of their loss.
2. Create space for family communication, so that each family member can share his or her personal experience of loss and grief.
3. Facilitate change in family dynamics – the loss of an individual, who is a part of a family system, means a change in the family system; this can create difficulty in adjustment.
4. Assist the family as they move forward and adjust to a new way of being and living after loss.
5. Empower the family to love in the midst of loss.

Prayer, forgiveness, reconciliation, storytelling, symbolic acts of charity, and the ritual of eating are tools that can help a family experiencing trauma transition into renewed experiences of connectedness, meaning, and wellness.  Below, is a list of examples for provision of spiritual care for families:

Prayer
Prayer is not merely an individual spiritual exercise. It can also be a corporate spiritual practice.  Families can pray together, and in prayer, address their feelings of loss, sadness, anger, etc., hope for the future, and need for healing.  As these feelings and needs are shared collectively, bonds are formed that can strengthen and empower the family.

Forgiveness
Often, when an individual in a family dies, “unfinished business” may arise and be addressed with strong emotions.  As a congregational care minister, you can help family members know how to share their strong emotions in ways that focus on the hurt and create space for empathy and shared grief.  By focusing on the shared grief, families can be brought together and “unfinished business” can be processed, potentially leading to forgiveness and healing.

Reconciliation
Encouraging families to share their emotions about death and loss has many benefits.  First, it can increase the family’s awareness, at the individual and collective level, about mortality and finitude.  As the family discusses these big ideas about what it means to be human, they are also more able to connect with one another. Second, collective sharing can create a sense of openness to the experiences of others – where one family member can take the perspective of another.  Taking perspective can facilitate empathy and mutuality.  Combined, reconciliation, in loss, can become possible.

Storytelling
Storytelling is done individually, where each family member shares their memories of the individual who has passed away.  Collectively, each family member is able to share in the experience and through the story become more connected.  As the feeling of connectedness increases, so does intimacy – and this is a bond that can facilitate family resilience and healing.

Legacy
Asking family members to share what they remember about the individual who has passed can create an opportunity for an empowering ritual.  For instance, you could encourage family members to discuss positive traits or practices of the deceased family member then suggest they adopt one of those traits or practices as a form of legacy.

The Ritual of Eating
Cooking and eating together is an activity that can (re)build and (re)establish family bonds.  All family members can be involved preparing the food, setting the table, connecting during the meal, and helping to clean afterwards.  At the table, opportunities for sharing and storytelling occur that can (re)build and (re)establish family bonds.

This commentary calls churches of all denominations to improve ecclesial response to clergy sexual abuse by embracing recent secular developments in trauma-informed services.
 
Is your church as safe as a college campus? April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. For many college campuses, this means increased scrutiny of their policies, procedures, and personnel responsible for handling allegations of sexual assault on campus. If your church were a frat house, how would it measure up?
 
Compliance with Title IX by colleges across the United States is raising the community standard of what constitutes appropriate and effective prevention of and response to alleged incidents of sexual harassment, including sexual violence and coercion.
 
While churches are clearly not required to abide by the federal mandates of Title IX, there is much that churches can learn from these efforts when addressing sexual harassment and abuse by ministerial leaders. Churches that ignore these developments and improved practices are doing so at their own peril.
 
Title IX
 
According to the U.S. Department of Education and its Office for Civil Rights (OCR), any federally funded education program or activity must show compliance with Title IX, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex. Enacted in 1972, Title IX is most familiar for ensuring equal opportunities for girls and women in sports. In 2011, OCR clarified that Title IX also pertains to sexual harassment of students.
 
“Sexual harassment of students, which includes acts of sexual violence, is a form of sex discrimination prohibited by Title IX,” stated OCR in a letter to colleagues in educational institutions. “Sexual harassment is unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature.” According to an accompanying Fact Sheet, “sexual violence means physical sexual acts perpetrated against a person’s will or where a person is incapable of giving consent.” This includes sexual coercion.
 
Since 2011, many colleges have devoted increased resources and personnel toward making campuses safer, investigations fairer, and procedures trauma-informed. This is largely due to legal pressures to comply with Title IX. There has been no corresponding movement among churches to improve the ways they address clergy sexual abuse.
 
Clergy Sexual Abuse
 
Sexual abuse by clergy is not a crime in many states. Many churches still have difficulty acknowledging the power differential in a pastoral relationship that creates a context for coercion. This lack of accountability motivated the National Organization for Women to issue a “Call to Criminalize Sexual Exploitation of Women by Clergy” in 2009. Still, many churches continue to operate as if there is not a problem.
 
The FaithTrust Institute—a standard bearer for efforts to address sexual violence and abuse—offers this definition of sexual misconduct in ministry: “When any person in a ministerial role of leadership or pastoral counseling (clergy, religious, or lay) engages in sexual contact or sexualized behavior with a congregant, client, employee, student or staff member (adult, teenager, or child) in a professional [ministerial] relationship.”i
 
One defining aspect of clergy sexual abuse is a lack of authentic consent. The ability of the parishioner genuinely to consent to sexual advances by the clergy person is severely compromised due to an imbalance of power in the ministerial relationship. Ordained clergy are not the only ones with pastoral power. Any ministerial leader can abuse the power of that office through sexual contact or sexualized behavior.
 
In the absence of state or federal standards or regulations, many churches have not found sufficient moral and political will to improve their practices of addressing sexual abuse by ministerial leaders.
 
Title IX Standards Translated to Church Judicatories
 
Standards developed for compliance to Title IX, particularly since 2011, offer basic guidance for churches. Procedural requirements include disseminating a notice of nondiscrimination, designating at least one employee to coordinate the institution’s efforts, and adopting and publishing grievance procedures for prompt and equitable resolution of complaints.
 
Translated to a church context, this means that churches need to develop and maintain up-to-date policies and disseminate them widely. Can members find their church’s policies easily? Are the policies up-to-date?
 
Every school has a Title IX coordinator. Does the church’s judicatory have a designated employee for handling complaints of sexual abuse by ministerial leaders? Does that employee have “adequate training on what constitutes sexual harassment, including sexual violence,” as required for schools under Title IX? Can victims of sexual harassment find the coordinator’s contact information easily?
 
Grievance procedures should also be published and available to every person in the church. Does the church judicatory have adequate procedures for handling allegations of sexual abuse by ministerial leaders?
 
In many churches, even if these procedures are public, they may be out of date, inadequate, or even dangerous. For example, church judicatories commonly misuse mediation. In cases involving an alleged incident of sexual exploitation by a ministerial leader, mediation should not be used to bring the alleged victim and the alleged perpetrator together to work out their disagreement. According to OCR’s interpretation of Title IX, “in cases involving allegations of sexual assault, mediation is not appropriate even on a voluntary basis.”
 
Becoming Trauma-Informed
 
Misuse of meditation is just one example of failing to provide trauma-informed services. Many judicatory leaders—most of whom lack any specialized training about sexual abuse—are unaware that their sincere efforts to resolve complaints of clergy sexual misconduct may in fact lead to re-victimization. Churches can learn better practices by becoming trauma-informed.
 
Trauma-informed services are attuned to the particular needs of survivors of trauma (e.g., sexual abuse) and to lessen the likelihood of re-victimization through processes of investigation and resolution of the complaint. Trauma-informed services are not designed to treat trauma or substitute for appropriate medical and professional care. Rather, to be trauma-informed is to understand how traumatized individuals may react and respond in ways that differ from nontraumatized persons and to develop procedures sensitive to this reality.
 
The “core principles of a trauma-informed culture” include safety (do no harm), trust (appropriate boundaries), choice (promoting survivors’ voice and moral agency), collaboration (sharing power with survivors), empowerment (promoting survivors’ healing and growth), and cultural competence. The priority of this approach is the health and well-being of the traumatized person.
 
Schools are still learning to do this well. The Association of Title IX Administrators identified “[f]ailing to understand and use trauma-informed investigations and questioning” as the first of “The Seven Deadly Sins of Title IX Investigations.” According to this 2016 whitepaper, Title IX investigations should include four components: understanding the impact of trauma, promoting safety and support, proactively avoiding retraumatization, and promoting choice and empowerment of the trauma survivor.
 
Only a Beginning
 
Drawing parallels with Title IX is one way to assess church preparedness and response regarding sexual abuse by ministerial leaders. Churches and their judicatories must become trauma-informed and, even then, still have a lot of theological work to do. Church judicatories that are relying on policies and procedures conceived a decade or two ago are missing out on the more recent developments of trauma-informed studies. Churches must bring themselves up to the current community standard for responding to sexual assault, whether by laity or by clergy, in a sanctuary or on a campus, at church or in a frat house. And for this, Title IX compliance standards are only a beginning.
 
i[1] Marie M. Fortune, Responding to Clergy Misconduct: A Handbook (Seattle: FaithTrust Institute, 2009), 30.

Traditional models of self-care often encourage us to schedule a specific time and place for a particular self-care activity.  For example, yoga class may happen once or twice a week at a specific time and location.  These self-care activities tend to focus on institutional practices that offer structure.  However, life “happens” and sometimes we are unable to attend organized self-care activities.  Changing the way we think about self-care can help us make the most of the time that we have where we have it.

Recently, I spoke with a medical doctor who told me she squeezed in her self-care between patient visits. Where and how did she do this? She figured it takes her about twenty steps to get from room to room in her hospital. In those twenty steps between patient visits, she focuses on deep breathing meditation.  With each in-breath, she focuses on a trait, experience, or gift that she needs.  With each out-breath, she focuses on what is weighing her down.  For instance, on an in-breath she might focus on peace, comfort, hope, healing, energy, enthusiasm, optimism, etc. And on her out-breath she might focus on hopelessness, hurting, anger, frustration, bitterness, tiredness, mindlessness, etc.

Stop and consider the in-between places where you can practice self-care. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Brushing your teeth
• In the shower
• In the car on your way to work
• At lunch
• At your desk
• Cooking dinner

Exercise 1: Create your own list of in-between spaces where you can begin developing habits of self-care.

Exercise 2: Now practice them! Here are four practices that can help you in the in-between spaces:

1. Deep breathing
Focus on your breathing.  Take a break from the stress, anxiety, and tasks of the day to breathe in slowly and exhale deeply.  Taking five deep breaths can be a centering practice that enables individuals to be more present with themselves and others.

Pair breathing with imagery. Breathe in what you would like to replace your stress with (e.g. optimism).  Breathe out, what is causing you stress and holding you down to begin with (e.g. fear).
 
2. Physical exercise
Find ways to exercise.  A less common practice of exercise is stretching.  Fifteen minutes of stretching can reduce stress, tension, and anxiety.  Or, if you are looking for a more active exercise, take a 3-minute push-up break.  Building an exercise break into your work day is a good way to stick to your self-care routine.  For example, work for forty minutes and then take a 5-minute stretch/exercise break.

3. Drink water
Water is an overlooked essential resource that can renew our bodies and minds.  The daily recommended water intake is eight 8oz glasses a day.  You can combine mindfulness meditation with a glass of water.  When you drink a glass of water, notice your senses – sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.  Attend to the experiences that arise, the temperature of the water, the weight of the glass, condensation on the glass, etc.

4. Practice gratitude
Cognitive theory suggests that how people think and what people focus on can greatly influence their emotional state.  Practicing moments of gratitude is a healthy self-care habit. By focusing on what we are grateful for, we take attention away from stress and recognize and remember what brings us joy.  Setting a timer, one time per hour, can be a good way to start. Allow this to become an organic habit.


*Learn more about self-care, managing stress, and becoming an agent for healing by becoming an ICTG Affiliate. ICTG Affiliates have access to dozens of resources, including the 2016 General Ministry Resource Guide and assessments.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.  According to the CDC, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults ages 10-34.  This is second only to unintentional injury.  With such a high rate of suicide among youth, traumatic loss is likely to be a painful experience common to many people within a congregation.  In cases of traumatic loss, what are practical steps that congregational care ministers can offer to those affected by suicide?

My point of entry into this conversation comes from my own experience.  When I was 18, Alex, a close friend, committed suicide.  His death greatly affected me and I faced 5 difficult struggles:

1. A need to understand what had happened
2. Feelings of guilt and responsibility
3. Perceived abandonment through loss
4. Anger
5. Trauma

At the time, my faith community was a strong support network and creatively cared for these five struggles.  I should mention, based on my review of the research literature, there are no prescribed methods, steps, or approaches to this type of traumatic loss.  This traumatic loss can be surmised as “complicated grief”.  Complicated grief is prolonged acute grief - grief that includes denial, fear, shock, anger, regret, guilt, anguish, loneliness, depression, and feeling overwhelmed that interferes with everyday functioning.  Based on my experience, flexibility and creativity can be used in the provision of care for complicated grief.

Practical steps that can help to care for traumatic loss and complicated grief include:

Sharing Their Story
At the time, I had three individuals reach out to me and share their stories of loss.  Two individuals had lost a loved one to suicide, and one had lost a close friend.  What was so significant is that they had reached out to me and shared their stories.  I felt empowered to share my own story, and did not feel alone or afraid as I began the grieving process.  In addition, two of these individuals stayed in contact, and we would meet for coffee regularly.

Invitation
On a consistent basis, my congregation and congregational ministers would reach out and invite me to group activities.  In my suffering, I would often isolate myself thinking, “Nobody wants a sad person to be a part of their group.”  I was uncertain as to how to live with ongoing grief in social spaces.  What I learned, through these invitations, is that people can handle my sadness and grief.  While my fears led me to believe that I would burden others with my struggles, I learned that people are happy and willing to help.  I would have never learned this if I had not first been invited.

Intentional
One trait all congregational care ministers had in common was their intentionality.  On a regular and consistent basis, multiple friends and congregational care ministers would check in on me.  This would happen through a short text saying, “Hey, JP!  Just thinking about you and hope you’re having a great day.  Love you, man.”  Others I would see walking around campus and they would yell my name from across the lawn and walk with me to my destination.  It was a combination of many “small” acts of care that helped me to begin caring for my grief.

It is interesting, looking back on the five core struggles of complicated grief, how the heartfelt sharing, warm invitations, and kind intentionality of my congregational care ministers helped me to cope with my traumatic loss and begin the process of healing.  I used to think that helping people to heal comprised a magic formula with systematic steps. I overlooked the efficacy and power of basic human traits of sharing, inviting, and being intentional.

I write this blog in honor of my good friend, Alex White.  1/1/1987 – 7/7/2005

"The ICTG Affiliate program has brought a wealth of tools to my fingertips as I work with clergy and seminarians striving to heal broken hearts on the ground of ministry.  The interviews, resource guides and the entry into a community of traumatologists and theologians who understand the layered effects of trauma on the system of congregational life has been so valuable! 
 
One of the things I really appreciate about the Affiliate program resources is the clear and consistent information that supports my understanding of trauma-informed ministry.  As a professor and consultant to clergy and seminarians who are stressed and burnt out, the trauma informed resources help me to help them contextualize, grieve and grow through difficulties in ministry.  In particular, I have found the assessment guide for Becoming a Trauma Informed Congregation to be something I use in almost every consultation these days.  Being able to help faith leaders understand what is happening as "trauma" instead of some sort of personal moral failing seems revolutionary to so many folks!  I'm a better advocate, better educator and better spiritual companion thanks to these materials and the community that I have started to meet. 
 
Last year, I was informed that 65% + of the clergy (and seminarians) I work with have been impacted by trauma.  I wasn't surprised - but I was concerned . . . In the months since, I have referred to the ICTG materials repeatedly to help clarify how messy and multigenerational the work of healing can be.
 
Among other things, I've learned how the work I do with "after pastors"  fits into the trauma framework.  In my context, after pastors are those clergy who replace or follow ministers who violated trust or committed misconducted in some way.  And, in the "after pastor" congregations/communities I work with, there are unique hurts and predictable patterns that we can discern to strengthen personal and organizational resilience and build new, faithful understanding.  I feel like I've gained a new community that appreciates the power of storytelling and deep listening as we lament the broken spirit that has come to be and as we mourn our losses. I find the assessment tools to be empowering and the commitment to "calm, connect and communicate" offers a new (daily!) mantra to me.  From the authentic grief to the tentative new growth, the research and resources I have accessed validate and expand my work with new possibilities and abiding hope. I encourage everyone I work with to check out ICTG and think much of this material should be required reading (and practice!) for ordinands!  Thank you thank you thank you!”


Rev. Michelle Favreult
Unitarian Universalist Minister
ICTG Affiliate

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